Breaking the SILENCE.

This incident had taken place in Jodhpur, Rajasthan, located in the western part of India. I lived there from 2000 to 2002 with my parents. I had completely forgotten about it. Well, that is what I thought but maybe it was hidden somewhere inside me and while reading  articles written by many female victims of various crimes, everything came back to me again. I thought the time is NOW to SPEAK.

I remember very well. I was in school that time. Most probably, I was in 9^th standard. It was Sunday. My father and mother wanted me to go with them for shopping but I had refused, as I did not want to leave my dog “Lucy” alone at home. Lucy hated it. After my parents left reluctantly, I passed my time watching television. Soon I got bored and Lucy looked grumpy as well. Looking at his sad face, I decided to take him to our terrace to cheer him up. I had friends in school but they used to stay far away from our house. I did not know any kid in our neighborhood. Lucy was my only friend.

Lucy and I started running aimlessly as soon as we reached terrace. It was bright evening. Lucy looked happy now. We were enjoying each other’s company. I was running away from him and he was trying to catch me. We named this game “catch me if you can”. Our game was interrupted by the sound of doorbell.

I felt annoyed with this sudden unwanted interruption. I looked down from the terrace and said, “Who is there? No one is at home now. Please come later.” A man of approx 5 feet 3 inches, dark in color looked above in the direction of the sound. I saw his face clearly now and recognized him. He was our house helper. He used to work in our house in the daytime. He replied, “I came here to return your uniforms from laundry”.

Next day was Monday. Therefore, I needed those uniforms for my school and my dad’s office. Otherwise, I would have asked him to come next day. I consoled myself saying it would take only few minutes to take those things from him and then I can get back to our game. Unwillingly, I came down with Lucy.

I tied Lucy somewhere in my house then took those clothes from him and kept it in sofa as I was in hurry to go back to terrace to resume our game. When I came back, I had not expected him still standing there. I did not suspect anything at first. I was wondering why he always acts dumb. How much time does he need to move his legs to walk away? I ignored the strange expression in his eyes.

I am a shy and introvert girl since my childhood. I did not ask him when he would leave. I thought it might sound rude. After gazing and staring at me for may be around 10 minutes (which felt like 10 hours) he mumbled, “Can I have a glass of water?” I did not understand his mumbling so I asked again, “what?” As if he was talking to himself, his voice was hardly audible, he replied, “a glass of water.” I was shocked. I was not expecting him to open his mouth and that too for a glass of water. His mess was not far away from our place. I replied, “Ok” and went inside to bring water for him.

I entered our kitchen, filled the glass with water, turned, and to my horror i found him, standing at the kitchen door. This made me quite angry inside. I thought he should have waited for me to bring him the glass in our drawing room.

I did not show my anger to him and gave him water. He took it slowly from me and started drinking very slowly. Throughout this, I noticed his gaze was at me, he did not blink for once. I started feeling uneasy in his presence. I told myself my ordeal would soon get over as soon as he finishes drinking. I was wrong. My ordeal had just begun.

He demanded second glass of water from me after handing me over the first glass. The way he had drank the first glass too slowly, Implied that he was not thirsty at all. I failed to understand why he would demand more water even when he was not thirsty. Again, I noticed that he was looking at me without blinking at all. At last, it dawned at me that I am in danger. With this realization came fear in my mind. I felt damn scared. I wanted to scream but no voice came out from my mouth.

I did not say anything to him and tried to look composed. He drank almost 10 glasses of water (may be more or less than that, I did not count in that situation. As I said, I was too afraid and my mind was not working).

While he was drinking his 11^th glass, I heard the voice of my parents from outside. I felt so relieved and thanked god profusely. My parent’s voice woke him from his dreams and he broke his gaze from me.

I ran towards my parents. I told them about his weird drinking spree and asked them to throw him out from our house.

That day I did not understand the gravity of his gaze. I felt scared but did not know what he was up to or why he is drinking so much. I felt humiliated and the reason behind his creepy behavior was not clear to me. I was just a teenager.

When I narrated the whole story to my mother in front of him, she realized what he was planning to do. My mother wanted to fight or teach him a lesson. I wanted same for the humiliation but we had no concrete evidence against him. Moreover, he did not get the chance to touch me fortunately. Therefore, we had to let it go.

One day, in an event at my father’s office, I came across him again. He was serving drinks to the guests. He started grinning when he saw me. Like he was trying to say, “you‘re bloody woman and you cannot do anything about it.”

I am 25 years old woman now and meaning of his creepy gaze is clear to me now. He was planning to rape me and was thinking whether to kill me or not after that or may be where to hide my body after killing me. May be my dog saved me that day with his nonstop barking. He raped me thousand times with his gaze and I could not do anything.

We fight everyday with these types of man. They are everywhere in buses, parks, multiplexes etc. They rape us with their eyes. Fortunately nothing happened to me that day but it was a close call. I had never shared this incident with anyone in my life. It has left negative impact on my mind. I feel scared even today whenever I am alone at home. Somehow, I found the courage this time to talk about it. I do not  want him to win by installing fear on my mind forever. 

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I am accepting guest posts on woman issues. Every women go through this. It will help us to heal, if we talk about it more, without any guilt. It is time for men to feel ashamed. If you have any similar experience of humiliation or any kind of violence and wants to share with us, please mail me here shaineec@gmail.com. I will upload your article or you may share your experience in the comment section . This will encourage other women victims to speak and fight for their rights.

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